Through 2012

Car parking in Poole high street 16th December 2012

So I am back in the UK and each day my routine is the gyms, coffee and work, it’s a little like the USA routine except without Sharon and the dogs. I park my car in the underground car park ( a building that is a carbuncle on society). When I enter the car park I collect a ticket and at the end of the day I put my ticket in the machine and I am asked to pay £11.60 for about 10 hours.  However, I have learned that if I lose my ticket I only have to pay £8. I have lost an awful lot of tickets over the past few weeks.

Places to retire in the USA 14th October

Sent to me by my American friend Eid.

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where…1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney (Backside for the UK) from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR You can retire to California where… 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighbourhood block party. 5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR You can retire to New York City where… 1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is “nature.” 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 5. You’ve worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car). 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR You can retire to Minnesota where… 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR You can retire to the Deep South where… 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural. 3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc. 5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” It’s important to know the difference, too.

OR You can retire to Colorado where… 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care centre. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR You can retire to the Midwest where… 1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?” 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

OR FINALLY You can retire to Florida where… 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

 

Is Tim alive………… 10th August 2012

So I am working away at home, its about 4pm in the afternoon and I have just called Sarah and Laura. Settling back down to work when I get a weather alert on my phone…it reads ‘Imminent Extreme Alert – Tornado warning in this area til 5:00PM EDT. Take shelter now. Check local media – NWS’. Now its been raining hard, I mean hard but the wind isn’t that strong……so I carried on working. It’s now about 4:30 on a Friday afternoon and from the window I could see the trees starting to bend double, I mean a pretty strong wind. Then to power goes…..so I get the dogs together and get them to the basement. We watch the storm from the basement which I have to say was a ‘bit scary’. After about an hour the sun comes out, Sharon is due home at about 6pm so I start to improve my skills with the basketball, still no power. It’s very hot outside and I start to perspire…… no sign of Sharon and its about 6-45. So I decide to take a shower but I forget … no power so it’s a cold one. Anyway the dogs start barking and there’s someone at the door but I can’t go to the door because I can’t find my clothers because it’s too dark. So I finally get dressed and walk around the garden to survey the damage ….still no sign of Sharon. The storm was so bad that all the roads to our street were blocked off, the News crews are down the street reporting Tornados…..all unknown to me. Sharon can’t get home and thinks that I have been killed in the storm and so has frantically called all the neighbours to check on me.  Finally they get hold of me, but by this time Sharon has sent panic throughout the neighborhood and the family. When we finally got through to Sandi’s Ryan says ….. ‘You’re alive then’

Distressed traveller ………… 27th July

So Sharon and I go for dinner to Sandis with Stew and Linda because they are dog sitting!!! Anyway that’s not the funny story. On our way home at about 9:30 we have to go down some dark country lanes…all of a sudden Sharon shouts ‘look out’ for that guy in the road, well he was about 40 yards away so I slowed down…… and started to wind the window down………’DON’T DO THAT’ shouts Sharon he may have a gun. So I dropped the window about 6 inches and called to the guy ‘You ok?’ ‘Yeh’ he shouts, ‘where am I’…… we were about a mile away from out house but I wasn’t sure exactly the name of the street, he’s on a mobile (cell) phone, my first thought is that he’s got a problem and needs help. I said you’re close to Country Lane near the golf club. We drove on……. now Sharon says do you think he’s ok?….what if he’s not (her first thought is he’s got a gun and he’s going to kill us after robbing us). Now she’s thinking we need to go back and help him so…….I turn the car round and drive towards him…….this time I drop the window and call to him ‘are you ok, do you need help?’….. he says ‘oh no we’re just playing a game with my mates’. My final thought was to drive over him!!!!!!

What time is it……………15th July 2012

So my job is to implement IT systems and this week my travels took me to San Diego that’s +8 hours GMT and +3 hours Eastern standard time. Now I have teleconference calls planned with the UK and with staff and suppliers from New York and California. When I arrive in California my phone automatically registers local time but my PC is still on Eastern standard time and I need to organise conference calls. My first invitation received a response back from Mike saying ….. ‘You have just organised a meeting to start 2 hours ago, think you may want to change it’. The next invitation I sent out got a response from a Supplier saying …..’6 am is not really a problem for me but you may want to check with the others’…………..if everybody had the same time life would be easier.

The conversation goes like this …….. 5th July 2012

I have decided that I need to attend American elocution lessons to get my pronounciations in order to be understood……So I call Stew ‘Hey Stew how do we get to Walmart, there’s a silence the other end ….Stew you there….yep ……how do I get to Walmart…….sorry didnt catch that …… Walmart, what road is it on……..no sorry say again…… Wall Mart (in a very slow English accent)…. there was silence ….no didn’t get it…..so I spelt it out W A L M A R T ….oh he said Warlmaadt ….yes that’s it’……… I’m getting there!!!

This weeks not so funny story….. 1st July 2012

A big worry moving abroad is what to do with all the animals that we have aquired over the years…….. so get this …. Sharon hires a Pet Travel Consultant for transporting 3 dogs and 2 cats to the USA. That’s 2 Old black labradors and 2 old cats. The cats could not be found suitable accomodation so had to make the trip, presumably the Ritz was full!!! So they all had their own crates, which I have to say were spacious, so many thousand of dollars later they arrive and Stew and I collect them from Boston airport. I have to say that if the animals had flown Club class it would have been less expensive.

The cost of this trip was the centre of some amusement…..not mine….phrases like ‘How much’ could be heard in the Red Lion. So when they arrive I am told that I have to go to the Petstores and pick up a few things for them when they arrive, just to make them comfortable ……..after another $205 dollars I now believe I have all the necessary equipment to keep the animals in the luxury they have so clearly enjoyed over the past 12 years!!

24th June 2012

This week I was treated to dinner with Stew and Linda. Linda was talking to me about our dogs Sammy and Ollie, they are old and Ollie occasionaly leaves a little poop behind. Now Linda says…’Tim I understand that we don’t agree on the term incontinent’, well I said there are varying degrees and Ollie only has a small problem … ‘Oh says Linda now we are talking about incontinent by the way how is your mother’……. there’s just no answer to that

Erin is number 1. The first funny of the week is from Erin, in a text message to Sharon  it reads…..

“Hi Just saw Tim in a while he says he hopes you come soon. Guess what ??? Tim fought a mouse in your house he said he cought it with his hat. Lol any way I’m with Tim PLEASE come here earlier than middle of July I can’t wait that long I’m only 11 and I don’t have that much patients in my body any way does that mean that you will bring u and all three dogs??? Love you xoxo from erin”

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